Motherhood, birthdays and JOY

No one told me how sad motherhood is.  Even the happiest days can be sad.  The most wonderful moments pull at your heart strings and every breath is beautiful and yet…
                                                          SO Painful. 
But I , I AM telling you, because tomorrow my last baby will be two. Today I am watching my last baby do things that just yesterday (or so it seems), I couldn’t even imagine him doing! Today and everyday I feel his childhood getting shorter. I feel a tight squeeze on my heart and a knot in my stomach as I realize that the next 2 years will go just as fast if not faster than the previous and before I know it, I will be without the sounds of his chubby feet running through my house and his cries filling up the empty space.
        He will grow up.  NOBODY told me that the joy and excitement one experiences at "the first" of all the things is also what makes a mother cry and cringe and fear the future.  Nobody told me how painful even the most blessed motherhood can be.
      I did not understand until recently that this feeling was not FLEETING.  This is NOT a temporary post-partum emotion, or post-nursing realization, this feeling is… well it just IS!!
         I often say "stop growing up, stay my baby, fit in my arms forever please" but, when you are at the mercy of time all you can do is feel the joy, and the sadness all at once.

Your insides as a mother are upside down and knotted up, 

and part of you will always live outside of you body 

in the form of that not-so-tiny-anymore-human, 

and you just hope it lasts longer than the next 

blink.  

To many I'm Sorrys.

As I was cuddling Killian tonight while he fell asleep, all I could think about was if I had done a good job today. I keep apologizing to him while he sleeps,
                 "I'm sorry I didn't read you more books today, I'm sorry you fell down at the pool, I'm so sorry I fed you junk food."   DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU!!!!???? 

I just want to be a good mommy, I want to be your light in the dark.  I want you to smile and laugh, not hurt or be lonely.   I'm sorry today may have sucked.

I was consumed in my own insecurity, the way I am now, except in relation to so many other things. I was busy thinking about my job as a hairstylist and not as your mommy.  I was busy thinking about coffee and not eating that last bite of cinnamon roll because I'm so insecure about how I look and the family pictures that will forever prove that I looked like this.  I was busy checking my facebook and email and shopping online. things that help me feel better  for 5 minutes when I feel this way.  

Things that do not compare to the simple act of cuddling my children.  And yet every time my head is filled with these thoughts i forget, i forget how good it feels to just shut down everything else and be Killian and Mags mommy.  DID I SHOW YOU ENOUGH HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU TODAY??

Having a 2 year old is hard work, I find myself flustered and angry.  I let things get to me that should be nothing and i remember at night when Mags asks for extra hugs and kisses before bed that BEING a 2 year old is also hard.  WHY cant I remember THAT in the moments when its difficult to be mommy to a 2 yr old.

the worst part is I feel alone in these struggles.  Other Mommy's must be playing with their children and making them amazing meals.  they are homeschooling and growing gardens...  I even feel guilty feeling guilty. like if i feel bad why don't i just do more tomorrow so i don't feel this way later. And I do... but the insecurities still creep back in and my heart breaks.

I have a 2 year old and a 13 months old. UGH WHEN DID I BLINK. 

 Killian, Mags, I know I'm not perfect, but I certainly hope you feel the love I hold for you. 

The MOPS magazine that came today had an article with this quote, "You will be a hundred different women in your life time, don't worry about what you aren't right now."  

Whoa!

Its been so long that I cannot actually even remember what my last blog post was.... was it the birth of Killian? no... close enough though.

I have definitely gotten better at this whole mommy of 2 thing.  Most days I even manage to shower and get dressed.  Okay not most days.  But at least half the week.  haha

I'm writing this blog post while my 2 yr old watches Finding Nemo and my almost 10 month old is screaming at me for attention.  **so now I am 1 handed typing while cuddling him** ahh mom life.

Here are some pictures with captions outlining some of our daily happenings as of late the last... uhm 9 months

This was July , baby k was about 2 months old:

This one makes my heart melt all over again ^^

Headed to my HS Reunion with baby K as my hot date, while Joe was in Hawaii getting his 4th degree Black Belt

The following images are August through NOW 

Tummy time, learning to roll over from his crib to my part of the bed :)

Breakfast with the family, dont they look stuffed ??

Mags 2nd Birthday Party! we went to Little Monkey Business and he had a blast! Sept 11, 2014

 He was pretty comfy in this bouncer while I did my living room workouts, he was almost 3 months here. what a cutie...

My baby wearing Toddler... :)

October! We Went and Picked out pumpkins and pet some animals at Wishing Star Farm in Peyton

Grammie met us there.  Love love love

Carving a pumpkin for the first time.  He looks so skinny here he must have just had a growth spurt.  I just love how toddlers get all chunky and then BAM they are tall and skinny again.

He wouldn't wear his pirate hat for the picture, but he was Captain Hook! 

He wont even watch Disneys Peter Pan, but he LOVES Hook and Jake and the Neverland Pirates

Baby K about to eat peaches for the first time!

No Caption needed....

Marriage is HARD y'all. but you get out of it what you put into it and we are definitely working hard and going strong to give each other 100% while being in this parent mode all the time.  

Killian, never cried much he just made these strange grunting noises, similar to what you expect of an elephant when its not trumpeting.  So this hat is simply HIM. The plan was for him to wear it in his 6 month photo shoot but... this picture was from November and well... it was to small almost then obviously it did not make it to January lol

One of the last nights we Spent in the Naturita Trail house.  our first home.  I always think nothing big has happened but.. uh we moved! that was big! haha 

First day in the New house.  DEC 19th 2014. 

Magnus adjusted to his new house well, we also managed to put him into a toddler bed instead of setting his crib back up AND got rid of the pacifier!  December was a big month. :)

You can see the toddler bed back there.... he slept in it in our room on our first night int he new house. that was fun.

Killian learned to walk before 9 months old.  Im not braggin guys, but its adorable when a tiny human begins to walk so early! 

Nap time with the toddler bed was rough some days. haha

Helping daddy with the new baby gate.

What we do.

MY NEW WORK SPACE, it was ALMOST complete here

My 29th birthday, FEB 3. just hanging at home.

Morning. Mags said "Lets take a picture"  'nough said.

AND March So far:

Sora is still an asshole

He looks so innocent but hes about to unplug the tv and try to eat the cord.  hes a cat in a baby body.

We Potty Learned!

Learning to share is a different story....

That's all for now folks :)