Magnus- His Unexpected Early Arrival

I had such big plans.  

For me.          For Him.  

For Us.           

His birth day was supposed to be calm and peaceful, fun, exciting and much more.  My little hypnobirthing baby had spent months listening to the rainbow relaxation in my womb.  He heard Joe read the scripts for us at night. We had worked hard for this, we were going to make it to 40 weeks, (reluctantly with my swollen feet, and carpal tunnel).

At 37 weeks and 2 days pregnant I accompanied Joe to the Breast Cancer Walk and although I didn't participate in the 5k, I walked ALOT that morning.
                  Maybe that's why this all got started... who knows.
At 1:30 pm I woke up from a nap only to cough and then look at Joe (who also had just woken up) and embarrassingly say I thought I had just wet the bed.  But I was skeptical, a bit later it happened again.  And I had to change my clothes.  That's when I started to believe my water had broke.  Something I didn't think would happen till I was in labor.  I wasn't in Labor.  I had no labor signs, I wasn't even dilated at my Dr apt a few days earlier.  At 10 pm we went to the hospital just to be safe, after I noticed I was bleeding.

The Midwife we had been working with had us stay in the hospital on Sunday night, and we practiced many natural induction techniques on our own that night and into the next day.
My body didn't care.
I was not part of the 90% of women who would go into labor 12 hrs-24 hrs after their water breaks.  We reluctantly agreed to start pitocin.  Through Monday night the level of pitocin went up and up and up.  Still my body did not want to have a baby that day.  Magnus wasn't budging.  Late into the night I cried, I cried so hard as I apologized to Joe, to myself, to Magnus for not being able to have the birth we wanted, or take the pain from the pitocin induced contractions anymore... and then I asked for an epidural.

Into Tuesday  the pitocin had reached a max.  And still my body had made minimal progress.  I wasn't ready to have a baby yet, but my sack had been "weak".
        Something we didn't know.
                             Something we couldn't know.

                    Tuesday afternoon I felt cold.  I spiked a fever over 102.
And Magnus felt the pain, his heart rate reached 200 and stayed there.

Time was up.  

We agreed to go for an emergency c-section to prevent Magnus from getting sick as I was.

At 5:15 on Tuesday Sept 11th, Magnus was born.  I slept through almost the entire c-section, I was so exhausted from 48 hrs of "labor."  I saw him for a few seconds before he was whisked away to the NICU.  2 hrs of antibiotics, and I was finally allowed to visit him in the NICU.

He is the best thing ever.  Having a baby was a good choice. a great choice.  
I have never been so happy!

And yet I was soooooo sad that day.  He didn't have the peaceful birth I had planned. Instead he was stressed by the pitocin and away from my bedside for 2 days after. He had trouble eating.  The nurses didn't want to let us take him home.  I couldn't be with him every second to bond with him like I needed to be.
                                                        My heart was so broken.
I was mad.
           At what had happened,
                           and at myself.
I asked over and over, why this had happened to us.
And then I felt that I lost sight of what was important.  If i could go back I would have given up sooner,  prevented him from getting so stressed in there and just let them to the c-section earlier.

And the truth was he was healthier than all the other babies in the NICU.  And I am grateful.  Things could be different.  But were all healthy now, and happy.  I've let go of those feelings and know that we really just did the best we knew how at the time.  I love my little Magnus Brennen Sonner.  My 6lb 12oz; 3 week early baby more than I ever thought possible.  And I love Joe even more then ever too.

I just know the next few years are going to fly by... way to fast.