To many I'm Sorrys.

As I was cuddling Killian tonight while he fell asleep, all I could think about was if I had done a good job today. I keep apologizing to him while he sleeps,
                 "I'm sorry I didn't read you more books today, I'm sorry you fell down at the pool, I'm so sorry I fed you junk food."   DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU!!!!???? 

I just want to be a good mommy, I want to be your light in the dark.  I want you to smile and laugh, not hurt or be lonely.   I'm sorry today may have sucked.

I was consumed in my own insecurity, the way I am now, except in relation to so many other things. I was busy thinking about my job as a hairstylist and not as your mommy.  I was busy thinking about coffee and not eating that last bite of cinnamon roll because I'm so insecure about how I look and the family pictures that will forever prove that I looked like this.  I was busy checking my facebook and email and shopping online. things that help me feel better  for 5 minutes when I feel this way.  

Things that do not compare to the simple act of cuddling my children.  And yet every time my head is filled with these thoughts i forget, i forget how good it feels to just shut down everything else and be Killian and Mags mommy.  DID I SHOW YOU ENOUGH HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU TODAY??

Having a 2 year old is hard work, I find myself flustered and angry.  I let things get to me that should be nothing and i remember at night when Mags asks for extra hugs and kisses before bed that BEING a 2 year old is also hard.  WHY cant I remember THAT in the moments when its difficult to be mommy to a 2 yr old.

the worst part is I feel alone in these struggles.  Other Mommy's must be playing with their children and making them amazing meals.  they are homeschooling and growing gardens...  I even feel guilty feeling guilty. like if i feel bad why don't i just do more tomorrow so i don't feel this way later. And I do... but the insecurities still creep back in and my heart breaks.

I have a 2 year old and a 13 months old. UGH WHEN DID I BLINK. 

 Killian, Mags, I know I'm not perfect, but I certainly hope you feel the love I hold for you. 

The MOPS magazine that came today had an article with this quote, "You will be a hundred different women in your life time, don't worry about what you aren't right now."