SO Painful.
But I , I AM telling you, because tomorrow my last baby will be two. Today I am watching my last baby do things that just yesterday (or so it seems), I couldn’t even imagine him doing! Today and everyday I feel his childhood getting shorter. I feel a tight squeeze on my heart and a knot in my stomach as I realize that the next 2 years will go just as fast if not faster than the previous and before I know it, I will be without the sounds of his chubby feet running through my house and his cries filling up the empty space.
He will grow up. NOBODY told me that the joy and excitement one experiences at "the first" of all the things is also what makes a mother cry and cringe and fear the future. Nobody told me how painful even the most blessed motherhood can be.
I did not understand until recently that this feeling was not FLEETING. This is NOT a temporary post-partum emotion, or post-nursing realization, this feeling is… well it just IS!!
I often say "stop growing up, stay my baby, fit in my arms forever please" but, when you are at the mercy of time all you can do is feel the joy, and the sadness all at once.
Your insides as a mother are upside down and knotted up,
and part of you will always live outside of you body
in the form of that
not-so-tiny-anymore-human,
and you just hope it lasts longer than the next
blink.
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